Here is a scenario for you: it’s early evening, you have just finished dinner and are finally settling down in the living room to spend the next two to four and a half hours in front of the TV. At the same time, you are scrolling infinitely down Facebook, in between using up your Candy Crush lives and half-listening to a show you’ve put on, on demand, despite the fact you aren’t giving it your full attention. Whilst scrolling down Facebook, in the middle of your laptop/tablet screen is the big bold letters of two of your “Facebook friends” (I say “Facebook friends” because you only half know/like them in real life) are now ‘in a relationship’. You message your best friend who has already messaged you to tell you the same thing.
This scenario probably happens a couple of times a month; a nice piece of gossip to keep you interested for the evening. But what you find with some of these situations is something that annoys almost everyone who is just as nosey as you. After consulting with your “real life” friends, you quickly realise that the newly “Facebook official” couple who have only known each other for three days, already have two profile pictures together and are unduly declaring their love for one another. The whole of Facebook, besides those who have commented with ‘omg, he’s the one babe’, feel their throat clogging up with around four inches of vomit at the fact that love; which you only half feel in your three year slog with your partner does not come around in three measly days. (Of course, you are deeply in love with your partner also.)
Now everyone says we should not involve ourselves in other people’s relationships, but we all find it very hard not to feel involved when whole albums are dedicated to a single day of “selfies” of the happy couple, titled ‘first date’. This certainly begs the question as to how fast is too fast. How quickly is it acceptable to have your partner’s picture in your wallet or purse? How quickly do you have a framed picture of each other one that is actually in print, not merely existing digitally? How quickly do you change your relationship status to “Facebook official”? I am no expert on relationships, but judging by the unanimous sound of retching and vomiting behind everybody’s laptop/tablet screens, three days is not enough; three weeks is still not enough. Even three months is probably pushing it a little, particularly for any photographic evidence that isn’t digital. Changing a picture frame is marginally more complex than deleting an image even if we now have to delete them twice as they become “recently deleted”. Removing something from a purse or wallet is even more difficult; what on earth do you fill that blank space with?
It is probably an acceptable time to begin spamming social media with your relationship when you, and everyone else, feels it is stable. Although some may feel it is stable at three days, by the time three months has passed and the honeymoon period is over the story may be different, and everyone who was vomiting at the three day relationship is laughing when the relationship statuses return to “single” (probably much sooner than three months). Here is a piece of advice, from someone who has no expertise, but is suitably judgmental; save yourselves the embarrassment. If you become “Facebook official” three months after the relationship has started, less vomiting occurs; less people are thrown into fits of hysterics at the declarations of love. Although, quite frankly, it is easier to avoid declarations of love altogether unless you are happily married for fourteen years or more; at least that way you may have cleared out some of your “Facebook friends”, so people might genuinely be pleased for you.
Everyone knows how soon, too soon is, because even if you naively think something different about your own three day relationship, you have vomited at someone else’s declaration of love after such a short amount of time.