With a lot people going off to new universities, miles apart, I’m hoping to save some hapless lovers from the failed romantic story of following the teardrop trail left from the long train or car journey, to re-embrace their loved one for a couple of weeks and briefly rekindle their relationship (before it once again nosedives towards its inevitable end). So if you need some advice on how to move on after a break up, keep reading…
So it’s depressing, right? Exactly. You loved the idea of seeing your ex again, but probably enjoyed the sadness even more that you couldn’t. Why? You are addicted to your own state of sadness. You have become reliant on your emotional attachment to the potential spouse you had been exclusive with, and now that they’re gone, the only attachment you have is to the feeling of emptiness.
As human beings we can’t help experiencing emotional states – in fact we should embrace them. The human mind is so powerful and we are the only species to almost have control over them. It’s hard to judge your attachment to a person because it’s hard to know how long you were together, and how much you “needed” them in your life. However, although time has an impact, attachment is more about the associations and repeated thought patterns that define its intensity and also about how much you rely on it on a subconscious level. Let’s put this into a practical scenario…
It’s almost the end of your second year, your exams count and your partner just broke up with you 4 weeks before your first exam. In this scenario there will be a high level of stress in your life, whether you think you can control it or not. In this situation it’s unnatural for the mind to have clarity, reasoning or intent, This happens in everyone – it’s just the body and the mind’s natural hardwiring from evolution. So within this stressful period, learning new information, concentrating and planning for the future are severely affected. This is because you are living in the mind’s natural defence to stress, living on what you know in your subconscious mind. You can identify this by becoming aware of daydreaming, lack of concentration and procrastination.
Now, I don’t know if your ex was the last person you slept with, but if they were then this association with them will be stronger in your mind. What I mean by this is because you were intimate and close with them, you’re association of sex is with that person because it had such a profound effect on your memories. I’m talking emotional and sensory memories (sensory information mixed with emotions are the strongest form of memories going). It’s natural to feel this way, so don’t worry. It will die down, but don’t dwell on it and force it, you have to accept it and find your own solution. The average guy’s response would be sleep with other women, which will work but it depends if YOU want that. If you just want to go out socialising again, just so you’re used to it after directing attention on one girl or boy, that’s perfectly fine if YOU want that. I’m putting an emphasis on “you” because you need to find something you feel you are comfortable with working towards. One thing I will say is that it’s not going to be easy, it will take effort and time – and it will feel so uncomfortable. But you have to plough through it otherwise you’ll be stuck in a negative feedback loop and won’t make any progress.
You may find yourself not feeling negative all the time, and you might even dip in and out of this stage because you are distracted, but make sure you choose your distractions – don’t sit and wait for them to happen.
Keep an active mind with new experiences. Keep learning new things, keep doing new things, meet new people and keep socially active, and exercise as well ( it’s good for clarity of mind and memory forming). Whatever that hobby or activity you’ve had a passion for and maybe hid from your previous partner, go and do it now, because aren’t you likely to find someone more suited to you who enjoys the things you enjoy?
These few things on their own will make you come on leaps and bounds, but combine it with self awareness and a goal of getting you out of this rut and you will see measurable changes in your life. It’s cliché but it’s true; the amount of effort you put in is the amount of rewards you will get in return.
How do you get over a break up? Any tips?