Surviving a zombie apocalypse is a lot like looking for a woman in Preston. A slow, painful experience, with a high risk of infection. With this in mind, it is essential to have a plan in order to survive the inevitability that the majority of the population may be turning into brain eating mutants (and I’m talking about the Zombies now, not the girls).
It has been stated that the younger generation are inadvertently better equipped for the apocalypse, due to the mass outbreak of post apocalyptic computer games such as ‘Dead Rising’ and ‘Left for Dead’. And the ever-increasing popularity of television programmes such as ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘The only Way is Essex’. However we still all feel the need to have the conversation that starts with the words: “What would you actually do if zombies attack now?”
The key to a perfect survival strategy involves a number of things, these in my opinion are the top 3 aspects of survival:
Location is key for a number of reasons. You always need to be alert for ‘Walkers’, so having a safe place in which you can rest and not have to worry about savagely being torn apart is always a bonus. My chosen Location is Ikea. The store is on a high level; it has a cafeteria and most importantly soft beds to rest in. But remember, be careful not to open a wardrobe to find Mr Tumnus groaning and frothing at the mouth.
If that doesn’t happen you might get lucky and find Joseph-Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel fighting a feral, flesh hunting Chinese family out of their bathroom. That’s the dream.
Being able to defend yourself is an essential part of survival. Since I’m not American I don’t have the fortune of being able to own a firearm, which leaves me at a total disadvantage, and the sooner our government realises that we need to cater for post apocalyptic possibilities the sooner we can move on in this world.
So with no possibility of a gun and an unnatural amount of time viewing Shaun of the Dead my weapon of choice would be a Cricket Bat, its lightweight and heavy duty, proving ideal for hand to hand combat situations. Another popular choice would be Nick Frost’s idea of “The Shovel”.
Incidentally, going back to the Woman metaphor, this is also an effective method to gain a woman’s companionship in Preston. The similarity doesn’t stop there, between the make up and limps the metaphor really works! Am I digging a hole? Was that a terrible joke? I’ll stop. Seriously though, the shovel is a truly ground breaking invention when it comes to post apocalyptic defense. I am the worst kind of person.
The final main aspect to survival is leadership. Become a great leader and you can build a new life and maybe find a cure for you and your fellow survivors. You can choose who joins your team and who doesn’t, who to save and who can’t be saved, and who is going to be counting in the obligatory mass game of hide and seek you are going to have in Ikea. It’s all down to you, think Rick (The Walking Dead), think Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead), think Brad Pitt, and, perhaps most importantly, think Survival.