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Articles > Entertainment October, 28, 2015

Survive A Zombie Apocalypse In 3 Steps

Cameron Jones
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Surviving a zombie apocalypse is a lot like looking for a woman in Preston. A slow, painful experience, with a high risk of infection. With this in mind, it is essential to have a plan in order to survive the inevitability that the majority of the population may be turning into brain eating mutants (and I’m talking about the Zombies now, not the girls).

It has been stated that the younger generation are inadvertently better equipped for the apocalypse, due to the mass outbreak of post apocalyptic computer games such as ‘Dead Rising’ and ‘Left for Dead’. And the ever-increasing popularity of television programmes such as ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘The only Way is Essex’. However we still all feel the need to have the conversation that starts with the words: “What would you actually do if zombies attack now?”

How to survive the zombie apocalypse this halloween

Photo by
Daniel Hollister

The key to a perfect survival strategy involves a number of things, these in my opinion are the top 3 aspects of survival:

1. Location

Location is key for a number of reasons. You always need to be alert for ‘Walkers’, so having a safe place in which you can rest and not have to worry about savagely being torn apart is always a bonus. My chosen Location is Ikea. The store is on a high level; it has a cafeteria and most importantly soft beds to rest in. But remember, be careful not to open a wardrobe to find Mr Tumnus groaning and frothing at the mouth.

If that doesn’t happen you might get lucky and find Joseph-Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel fighting a feral, flesh hunting Chinese family out of their bathroom. That’s the dream.

2. Weapons

Being able to defend yourself is an essential part of survival. Since I’m not American I don’t have the fortune of being able to own a firearm, which leaves me at a total disadvantage, and the sooner our government realises that we need to cater for post apocalyptic possibilities the sooner we can move on in this world.

So with no possibility of a gun and an unnatural amount of time viewing Shaun of the Dead my weapon of choice would be a Cricket Bat, its lightweight and heavy duty, proving ideal for hand to hand combat situations. Another popular choice would be Nick Frost’s idea of “The Shovel”.

Incidentally, going back to the Woman metaphor, this is also an effective method to gain a woman’s companionship in Preston. The similarity doesn’t stop there, between the make up and limps the metaphor really works! Am I digging a hole? Was that a terrible joke? I’ll stop. Seriously though, the shovel is a truly ground breaking invention when it comes to post apocalyptic defense. I am the worst kind of person.

3. Leadership

The final main aspect to survival is leadership. Become a great leader and you can build a new life and maybe find a cure for you and your fellow survivors. You can choose who joins your team and who doesn’t, who to save and who can’t be saved, and who is going to be counting in the obligatory mass game of hide and seek you are going to have in Ikea. It’s all down to you, think Rick (The Walking Dead), think Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead), think Brad Pitt, and, perhaps most importantly, think Survival.

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  1. Josh Husbands

    I’m going to tell you why your plan is bad.
    1) While Ikea is a high up location and yes has a cafeteria, the advantages stop there. Unless you have a LARGE group it will be impossible to defend from zombie hordes or raiders. Too much group to defend. Also every floor is joined with walkways. Not even stairs. Making it easy for zombies to shamble up to the top floor as they please. Also I’m not an expert with Ikea store locations but I do believe most of them are in big cities or towns which are always a no no for making your stronghold. You want to be on the out skirts of cities or even better in rural areas.
    2) Whilst we don’t have guns over here. Not necessarily a big disadvantage if you’re not situated in a highly populated area such as a city (where ikea would be). Now as for your choice. Cricket bat wasn’t a great choice. I remember watching a video of Game Theory where he spoke about blunt weapons with large surface areas are worse off as its more difficult to destroy the brain. Your idea of the shovel was close but an axe would be much better. Kinda don’t need to explain why thats better but since you’re clearly a Walking Dead fan, why didn’t you think of Crossbows? Or bows? Might be tricky to come by but they’re definitely around.
    3) I have no comment for your point on choosing a good leader because it’s true, you need a good leader however my last reason why your zombie apocalypse plan would fail is you’ve just told 285 other people….
    Case closed

  2. Dean Cox

    I think…this is something every guy thinks off and has there own little plan they have put so much time into….if we are talking shaun of the dead zombies (slow and stupid) and not world war Z zombies ( which are just insane) it’ll be easy so here is my plan… Yes! its a great idea to find shelter but it has to be well fortified and big enough to house generators, food, health supplies and other survivors…so ikea is a good choice but personally a prison or a police station would be my choice due to good fortification with space to store essential supplies plus cells to sleep in (obviously don’t lock yourself in) and a high vantage point on the roof of a police station to clear the surrounding areas with crossbows and air rifles….which brings me to my step 1…Being British myself guns aren’t available (to purchase in stores anyway) so the best thing to do is go to a trago mills shopping centre which is ok for me because im from the southwest and we have 1 or 2 nearby…so i would get a van and drive to trago mills and take all the crossbows, arrows, air rifles, gas guns and ammo plus hunting knifes and a few metal baseball bats for close encounters and pack the van with food and other supplies…..then find a police station and break in, find the keys to the cells and just try to survive….and if that doesn’t work go on a killing spree because the zombies are just so easy to kill and in no time at all the world would be free of zombies and we’d be safe to live are normal lives…Buuuuut wheres the fun in that :/

  3. siti sarah hanafiah

    I think… we should start with leadership. if we have a good leader we can survive with his help. and second we need strategies. Strategies can makes us as survival which in any situation we can handle it and last is weapon. weapon is an advantage for us in dealing with this situation but we need knowledge and strategies like how many bullet we need to shoot or save.

  4. Umut Duzgunce

    One of the most important things about rick, simon and brad is that they often make decisions based on the group or decide as a group collectively.

  5. Joshua Small

    I think…it would be better to try and stay on the move as best as you can and stop off at places to find food and water. This way you may meet other survivors and create a big enough force to eventually create a safehaven, Plus if you are on the move, you are gonna come across alot of places that would be ideal for a safehaven so that you could go back there once you have a group of people.

  6. Noor farahat

    in my opinion i think that staying in a large popular area like Ikea would be a bad idea because most people would go there for supplies and shelter and i think that humans in a zombie apocalypse are way more dangerous than zombies.

  7. Callum Horlock

    i believe that the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to become adaptable, and being able to think decisively. Ikea is a good place to stay, but as a couple of people have said before, it is too big, but that can be solved by the furniture in there, you can make a blockade. Plus, because an Ikea is so big, it would have multiple exits to get out of, a samll place, would only maybe have one or two. the only thing is is that if the zombies are like those in “Dying Light” then we are f*cked

  8. Alfie Witter

    I believe that you need a smaller location as if you are in a large area you wont be able to defend large numbers of zombies

  9. Arianis Rivera

    The idea of going to Ikea its good but i think it would be much better to go Costco its big its has a big supply of canned food so you can stay in more time, in Ikea you would have to go out and get exposed because you would run out of food fast, sure there be comfortable beds but food is essential the weapons are good i suggest once everything goes down you get a gun the law wont matter anymore, everything else seems to lead you on the right path to survival.

  10. Andres Romero

    I think that It will be better to get as much as you can from many places and keep your self in a short an close place, well if your with family or a group of people (oviously you trust), you need a spacious place, but not to big an large because it could be difficult to take care on every side of the place, none knows where or what can get in. Next I thing I think is that people need to be prepare always with a kit, just for any kind of disaster like sunami or what ever (It dependes where you live) and also it could be use full to have a manual with many survivel tips important for you, sometimes in panic we forgot lots of things you know?