Amongst the crowd of sweaty cyclists, squeaking cross trainers, and people who want to add a bit more difficulty to running on the spot for thirty minutes, stands the ‘Gym Buff’. In their gym gear, with a milk carton in hand filled to the brim with some radioactive luminous liquid, they stand tall and mighty, overlooking their second home.
After writing off ‘Leg Day’, due to the exhausting 10 minutes of walking they did to get to the gym, they decide to head to the bench; because one more ‘Chest Day’ won’t hurt, right? They start out light for their warm up, with some slow controlled motions, confidence oozing out of them. But soon their ego kicks in. Adding on plate, after plate, after plate to each side, the weight on the bar is soon that of an adult mountain gorilla – or at least so they will say on their Instagram account later. They set themselves under the bar, curving their back like the Arc d’Triumphe, and brace themselves for the lift to come.
The bar leaves the rack, they lower the weight slowly. But because time under tension is everything, the weight moves barely 5 inches. Oscillating in place for 10, so called, ‘successful’ reps, they then place the bar back on the rack with relief. They get up only to see a crowd of people surrounding them, staring due to the unnecessarily loud grunting emanating from the Gym Buff ; it is the equivalent of a mating call to these people.
After completing the chest workout, the Gym Buff realises that their biceps do not have the pump they want. So another gulp of protein shake, and into 15 sets of concentration curls. Protein powder has become an addictive drug to the Gym Buff; he soon downs the luminescent fluid from his milk carton, the 6 scoops of pre-workout supplement kicking in quickly. With their pupils dilated, and their heart beating like a bass drum, the Gym Buff decides that they will skip cardio, because cardio is for wusses, and anyway, they have been bulking for the past 2 years.
Exiting the gym into the real world, with proportions similar to that of an army general and with a protein shake in hand, the ‘Gym Buff’ will upload a picture to Instagram with #GymLife – because if you don’t share that you went to the gym on social media, did you even really go?
Okay, enough mocking for the present; whilst this is obviously meant satirically, if you don’t want to emulate the ‘Gym Buff’, here are some top tips for properly getting in shape:
- Train legs, please, just do it – they comprise the largest muscles in the body and can help you get gains over the rest of your body..
- Go deep in all areas of your life; but if you have to choose one, make sure you go deep on your lifts.
- Triceps make up more of your upper arm than biceps, so make sure you partner your curls with extensions – but also arms aren’t everything and they do get trained with the rest of your body as well.
- Pre-workout supplements are great. Just don’t take enough of it to start seeing sounds and hearing colours!
- Cardio is good for you! What’s the point of having muscle if you are end up lumbering round like Shrek and his friends? Plus, an extra 300 calories worth of cardio here and there will more than offset your cheat meal – burger and fries, here we come.
- Please don’t feel the need to post every time you go to the gym. Maybe fill us in about the odd achievement or goal; but come on, everyone doesn’t need to know that you managed to do one more rep in your chest press.
Let’s get rid of the Gym Buff together; or rather, let’s reinvent the idea. Member and Personal Trainer Charlie even posted 3 tips on conquering the gym (the right way). Let’s be true gym buffs, who know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it – and hold off the Instagramming as much as physically possible.