When I first decided to write an article for OpinionPanel, as a generic piece of inspiration, they suggested to write about “what keeps you up at night.” Thinking about this, I realised that when I do keep awake at night, it is always for the same reason: I am hoping that my moustache will grow faster. And what better time to grow a moustache than for Movember? You can raise money and awareness for men’s health issues while being super stylish at the same time!

Thinking along these lines, I decided to write an article about moustaches…

In the following a piece I will outline the benefits to every man of sporting that article of face furniture known to the vulgar and coarse as a “tash” – which term I do not like, as it does not sound sophisticated enough to allow me to profane my lips by the pronunciation of its single syllable. To demonstrate my inclusive nature, I will also provide reasons in this article why the ladies amongst my readers should encourage their menfolk to start cultivating that upper lip. I will start with the least convincing of my arguments and advance from there.

1.Think of all the time saved in the morning by not shaving your upper lip.

Over the course of the year that will really add up. Instead of shaving your moustache, you can spend longer than it would have taken to shave it in applying wax, shaping, and curling the hair. Besides, because you have to manipulate your razor less, you run less risk of cutting yourself, and thus are potentially saved from an untimely death by blood loss.

2. I think gentlemen with moustaches are clearly superior to those without.

I mean, just look at the timeless curve of a traditional handlebar moustache. If any man has enough class to be wearing that, they are clearly a cut above their peers (did I say peers – I meant their inferiors), and as such are obviously a very eligible and suitable match for any young lady – I told you there’d be reasons why ladies need gentlemen to wear moustaches.

3. Picnics are better than ordinary meals…

You may be wondering what this means… Someone (whom, I cannot remember), somewhere (in what context, I am ignorant), said something along the lines of “Kissing a man with a beard is like a picnic – you have to go through a bit of undergrowth to get there” – in other words, men with beards are better than those without, because picnics are better than ordinary meals. I regard this as my most influential argument in favour of wearing a moustache. But I can hear you shouting at me “That’s beards, not moustaches! Your argument does not follow through!” Never fear, have patience, and follow me closely here, for this next bit is rather complicated. I assume all of my readers have been on a picnic? Well, if there is too much shrubbery in between you and the proposed encampment, you get a bit disheartened, don’t you? But if there is a distinct absence of greenery the picnic loses its appeal? Less is more, but none at all is useless, what? The same applies to the moustache/beard question. A beard is better than nothing, but a moustache is the real goods when it comes to romance. So, as you can see, gentlemen, even the ladies are desperate for you to start sprouting the face fungus. You will also notice that my logic is of the most advanced form.

To conclude with a piece of sound advice (because you will all have been convinced by my arguments): What moustache should the beginner wear? There are, in my mind, only three really distinct styles of moustache: The Pencil, the Toothbrush, and the Handlebar. All other varieties are just adaptations of these three. Obviously, the Handlebar is the ultimate goal of any journey along the moustache road, but I would advise a bit of experimentation before anything is finally decided. Another thing that I would advise, is to avoid the toothbrush moustache, due to unfortunate associations. Therefore, grow the Pencil. It merely requires being kept neat and thin.

That is all for today, let me know your moustache ambitions in the comments👇

What did you think of Alistair’s article? We thought it was really funny and the perfect inspo to anyone thinking about taking part in Movember this year.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this, please leave your comments below and be sure to rate the article too!

Click here if you’d like to know more about sending your article through to us to be published. Remember, if your article is the most popular of the month, you’ll win £50!